jIg nOIr mELt -- the GrapeVine

The GrapeVine is a compilation of funny gaming bits found on the net, attribution given when possible, sometimes pared down to the gaming-specific portion of a message. All .sig files and sign-offs are removed from the post as a matter of course, unless it adds to the humour value. Any 'X-No-Archive: yes' in the header or body will be respected, as will explicit messages that the message not be reposted. If you are published and you are unhappy about it, please contact us immediately.

From: MARINO@inrete.it (Paolo Marino)
Date: Sun May 18 21:51:44 MDT 1997


Mhhh. I always thought that Vampire was a hit more for his
"generational" approach than in order to cash in on Vampire popularity
as a genre.
"You are a creature of large powers, but subjected to the whims and
orders of other creatures, older than you, and which follow their own
[inscrutable] agendas. You live among the humans, but are not like
them. You prefer night to the day. You strive to [remain] sane, human,
and at the same time, to transcend yourself and become something
It is A Vampire, but it could just be a Teenager. This is the key
appeal in the game, IMHO.

This next one is not attributed, but it showed up in my mail box and is definitely of Mortijingle's realm. If you have the proper attribution, we'd love to credit it appropriately.

There once was an American husband and wife who decided to take a trip
to Paris to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  The wife had been
born in France and had not seen her homeland for many years.  A few
months before the trip she fell ill, and they thought about cancelling,
but she recovered.  Since this trip back to Paris was something they had
wanted to do for years, they decided to take the trip after all, while
they had the chance to do it.

They had a wonderful time in Paris, visiting all their favorite places,
and discovering a few new ones.  Just before the end of their vacation,
she fell ill and suddenly died.  Since she had expressed a desire to be
buried in the land of her birth, the husband sadly took care of all the
details of her funeral.

He had a black suit, but did not own a black hat.  He asked the
concierge where he could buy one.  He was directed to a hat shop a
couple blocks away and told to ask for "un chapeau noir".  As he walked
over to the store, he repeated to himself  "un chapeau noir, un chapeau
noir".  He had gone half way when suddenly, on the street next to him, a
French driver narrowly missed hitting a bicyclist.  A little rattled, he
continued down the street saying "un capeau noir, un capeau noir" ("a
black condom, a black condom") to himself.

When the widower got to the hat shop he asked for "un capeau noir". 

"Pourqoi 'un capeau noir'?" (Why a "black condom'?) asked the

As best he could, in broken French, the man explained that his wife had
died:  "Mon mari est morte", and that he needed the black condom for the

"Ah, je comprend" ("Oh, I understand"), replied the shopkeeper.  Turning
to his assistant, he commented wistfully  "Les Americains, ils sont si
sentimentale" ("Americans are so sentimental").    

This next one is from a while back, but I don't have any specific datestamp for it. While not entirely RPG-humour related, you could see it popping up in something like WearRug.

Subject: Re: .sig bunnies and fundamentalist christians.
From: vt2gh$k4l@esperi.demon.co.uk (Nix)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.british, demon.local

leo@lgab.demon.co.uk "leo" writes:
: simon@star-one.org.uk "Simon Gray" writes:
:>~> It seems to me that the .sig bunnies and the fundamentalist christians
:>~> need a lesson in hunility.  I'm glad the Doug is doing his part in
:>~> teaching this lesson to at least one of the two groups.
:>~ What is hunility exactly? How does one become hunile?
:> More to the point, what is the unit of hunile strength ?
: I think it goes something like 
: '1 small furry hunile - this is weak and easily defeated'
: '2 large leatherclad huniles with curry breath - run away'

No, no, no. (Ye gods, how people have deteriorated - I'd not expected
to have to *tell* anyone this... *grumblesmurf*)

Hunility measures empire-building ability. The unit of hunility is the
Hun; this indicates the amount of empire-building ability possessed by
your average Mongol emperor with a very large empire. The symbol
customarily used to indicate empire-building ability is '{' (think of
it as a very curly capital E, only the Gothic E's been used to indicate
the universal set in set theory already.)

The Hun, like the Farad, is too large for normal use; normal humans
have an { of around one microHun (or uH.)

Note that this unit is not absolute; while Attilla's { is by definition
1, this is primarily because of the time in which he lived; were he
to live today and attempt to use the same methods to acquire an
empire, he would probably rate an { of less than 20 mH.

William H. Gates III, by contrast, has an { of at least 200mH.

Tests for the measurement of { are currently very subjective; the next
International Conference on Weights and Measures will reportedly be
devoting considerable time to the preliminary determination of potential
tests for the objective measurement of { in any given individual.

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j n m ( m n j )
"I'm charity, she's faith and hope." -- Gorto