Knightmare Chess Suggested Cards
by K. M. Lintz
Knightmare chess is a cool addition to chess, if you don't mind
that step back from the pure strategy that chess is. But we at jnm(mnj)
just felt that it wasn't quite, well..chaotic enough. And it's far too
serious. In that vein, we'd like to make a few modest proposals for new
- Transvestite (5 points)
- Allows your King to move and capture like a Queen for this turn.
- Wife-Swapping (6 points)
- Swap the positions of the Queens on the board.
- Banana Peel (3 points)
- Play after your opponent has moved a Bishop, Queen, or Rook three or
more squares. On the third square, they slip and fall; they stop there
and may not move next turn, and if that square is at the edge of the
board, they fall off and are considered `captured'.
- Whoopie Cushion (5 points)
- Play after your opponents move; the piece they just moved ends on a
whoopie cushion, and is so embarrassed they may not move next turn.
Pawns, who are accustomed to humiliation, are unaffected.
- Hare Krishna (7 points)
- One of your pawns engages any adjacent enemy piece in never-ending
conversation; your opponent may not move that piece until either you
move the pawn, or they kill it. If they DO capture the pawn, it is
considered `dead', not merely `captured'; there's just no other way to
shut him up.
- Stink Bomb (3 points)
- Mark one square on the board adjacent to any of your pawns; no piece
from either side may end its move there for the rest of the game.
(Pawns, who follow Knights in all the parades, are excepted.)
- Blackmail (8 points)
- By threatening to release those controversial `choir boy' photos,
you may force an enemy bishop to not move for 1 turn, even if they're at
risk of getting captured.
- Supergerm (10 points)
- Your opponent immediately loses 25 million population. Retributive
- Drunken Priest (6 points)
- Play at the end of your turn; mark one Bishop, yours or your
opponents. It now moves in zig-zags instead of diagonals.
- Clown Trick (8 points)
- All your pawns, including captured (but not dead) ones, suddenly
climb out of and gather around one of your Rooks. Said Rook must be on
your half of the board and have eight empty spaces around it.
- Godzilla (7 points)
- Entice a cat to walk (or run, or roll over)
across the board. Any pieces, of either side, knocked over by this are
- Tesseract (10 points)
- Expand the board into fifth dimensional space. Extrapolate piece
moves from there. This can be a little complicated, I know, so here are
some quick examples based upon the knight (the tricksiest);
Two Dimensional - just like usual, two squares one way and one
another. (eg E2-F4)
Three Dimensional - two levels up and one square over, or two
squares over and one level up. (eg E2/1-E3/3)
Four Dimensional - Two hours back and one day over, or two squares
up and one hour forward. (eg E2/1 on Thursday at 2:00 to E2/1 on
Wednesday at 4:00, or E2/3 on Thursday at 1:00)
Fifth Dimensional: Gurglesnarp the frogsnaggle hizglup. (eg E2/1 to
a small planet in M13, capturing your opponents Rook which is drifting
somewhere between Uranus and Neptune on the cusp of Aquarius, spackle
spackle spackle. Don't forget your towel.)
j n m ( m n j
"It goes chigga-chigga-chigga, instead of
-- The Fool and Haut
Gout doing sound effect differences
powdered creamer and the liquid versions.